I realize my nerves are shot and since all the surgeries, I am an emotional roller coaster but I have a question.
WHAT IS A FRIEND?
I posed this question on Facebook and got a few comments from people I have never met before who described a friend (basically) as one who is "there for you" through thick and thin. They love you totally, bad moods and all, if you are sick or well, if you choose badly and they don't agree, and they do not stop being your friend because you behave badly. They stick by you.
I have people with whom I work who proclaim their friendship and allegience to me all the time. Tell me they love me and say things like "We have to get together to do something fun sometime", but they never call. They post on Facebook or brag at school about what they did with their "friends" over the weekend or other times but I never get asked.
Now I realize a few things about myself. 1) I am not a drinker. Not because I do not like to drink...I do but I have a family member who is an alcoholic and I do not want to become one also. 2) I am not real outgoing. I have always been quiet or shy around others especially if I feel insecure. 3) I made a choice 5 yrs ago to take a trip to Turkey to meet the man I love and MANY, IF NOT ALL, of my so called friends from work thought I had lost my mind. In fact they as much as told me so. But wht they did was "divorce themselves" from me AND my housemate. They felt I had offended and hurt her terribly and forgiveness in not in THEIR vocabulary. I am not sorry nor do I regret going to Turkey and I did not ask their approval because it was my business and not theirs.
Anyway, I am confused. Maybe I am not a good enough friend. Maybe it is my insecurities which keeps people from wanting to do things with them. OR maybe it is them. I know they are cliquish and have their own group of people they go drinking with on the weekends. Maybe it is because I do not drink or like the people they become when they drink... or maybe they are still angry because I went to Turkey, not once, but twice... and will be moving there in the future.
I guess I just don't get it. I have closer friends with people I have never met in person. People from around the world who like me as I am.... stupid decisions or not... loving someone from a country that attacked their country.... an online relationship. Maybe these are the ONLY friends I am destined to have. Maybe I am more myself online than I am in person. Ironic....People here at home "surrounded me" with food, cards, and calls while I was having all the surgeries... but since I am back at work and healing, I am snubbed, stabbed in the back, ignored, or placated. Something to ponder.
* Keep in mind please, my state of mind right now is dealing with many emotions from anger, denial, fear, weeping uncontrollably.... and mistrust. I question everything and everyone's motives (without saying a word). I smile but I am cautious of what I say to anyone. I confide in no one in person, except my family and God. I understand these are all normal feelings that go with cancer/surgeries/ being mutilated, etc. I am dealing but not well.... so take the things I write...with a grain of salt. God will heal me emotionally as well as physically....hopefully soon.