It seems the times I write on my blog are either in great joy or some huge emotional upset...and today is no different.
My heart is very heavy today because I have just found out a friend of mine, with whom I work, is going to have a double mastectomy tomorrow (for her second breast cancer surgery in less than 5 yrs). My heart is heavy for her in many ways: She has cancer; she is very poor; she is divorced from husband and estranged from her adopted daughter; and she cares for her 21 yr old son who is mentally disabled (some of it due to her being overprotective of him). She just found out on Friday and they are doing the surgery in a big hurry. She could not give the hospital a down payment for the surgery and she just had damage done to her house from Hurricane Isaac. I know people at work will rally around her; be sure her son is taken care of and there is food in the house or a donation collected for her....but her insurance expires in 3 wks so she must return to work immediately.
Now all this sends chills down my spine. It brings back so many fears and memories of pain, sorrow, fear, and what if's.
I know.... stay positive... I hear it a multitude of times from people who have NOT gone through it. They have not heard the hurtful comments about how I was "out of work for 5 months"; or the pain of being away from the man you love during a time when he should be able to hold and comfort you; or the pain of having your 85 yr old father (for whom YOU have been caring for for over 17 yrs...since your mom died of breast cancer) hands you an envelope, says open it, shut up, and use it and there is $400 in cash in the envelope. Or the hurt, fear, sorrow of knowing your 37 yr old niece has gone through breast cancer at the same time as you and when she has her surgeries she is told there is only a 1% chance of it returning; they tell you the same thing....however, when my niece returns to the dr for a 6 month mammogram after the surgery, they must biopsy and do an ultrasound on yet another node, which is suspicious but not cancer YET..... And I have an appt for my 1 yr check (never had 6 month check because of all the complications I had with surgeries) Oct. 2.
I have been going through many emotions I had not been prepared for.... anger, denial, fear, the dealings of grief, I've been told. It is normal, they say....I lost 2 breasts; my body is ugly; I have no feeling where I used to enjoy feeling; and the fears.... the what ifs..... and yes, I know, Stay Positive; Mesut loves you; your family loves you; your friends love you and GOD loves you more than all of them combined. I know all the answers to all the emotions....but when you have gone through it...when you watched your mother die of breast cancer; when your sister had a mastectomy 6 yrs ago, your niece had breast cancer and then you had it...it is hard to remain "in control" of your emotions.
It is difficult to describe to anyone who has not gone through cancer of any kind, the thoughts and fears that go through you on a normal day. "Is that pain and new spot of cancer?" "Did I lift something too heavy"? "Why don't people understand instead of telling you how much you missed at work the year before? or "why doesn't the principal leave some things the same for you when she knows, says she understands, that your entire world is upside down now....and the only constant you had was teaching your kids, your way... not her way".
Do they truly understand what it feels like when the hospitals or offices call you constantly because the $25/month payment is NOT enough. I even hung up on someone one day and told her to repossess my implants if they needed $150 so much. The medicaitons you have to take to ward off infections (antibiotics) and you have an intolerance to antibiotics and now your skins is broken out in patches of yeast (a reaction to antibiotics). Taking probiotics helps the stomach but the itching and skin patches are unsightly and horrific in the middle of the night when your extremities begin to itch and the only thing that helps is to take yet another pill. To have people tell you, oh you know you are emotional because you were taking all those pills during those months and now you are not..... yet when you did not take them for fear of addictions, you were told not to be a martyr and take the pain pills.
YES..... I have talked to the Cancer Support groups... YES....I have talked to people from a church cancer support group who have gone through breast cancer and its deformities. YES.... I have an appt with a counselor on Thursday afternoon to discuss all my feelings, fears, insecurities. YES I want to live!!!! YES I want "long years" with Mesut....and YES.... I am terrified I will not get that opportunity. YES I trust God....but HE made me an emotional creature .... and that area of my life is working overtime right now.
So today, after a week of uncertainties, fears, and harsh comments from unfeeling people, and doing things which caused me to hurt myself and now I have pain again (no I cannot leave work early...I can retire April 29)....I am hit with the news that my friend, Margaret has breast cancer again. Maybe it is news too close to my own experience. She and I are not close friends but this news has hit me like a ton of bricks.
I spoke to Mesut yesterday and his love restored my faith in that area of my life....but now I want him to hold me and tell me he will be with me come hell or high water.... and I know I cannot financially afford to go to be with him even to visit right now.... and the what ifs follow.... what if I never see him again, what if I never feel his arms holding me, what if we don't have long years together, I have waited 6 yrs to be with him. I have to hang on until I retire. He wants me to come at Christmas but I cannot financially go to be with him.... but what if it is the last chance I would have to be with him???
Maybe insanity has set in and this is my new normal...deformed, unfeeling body, with emotions always on the ready (good and bad, highs and lows). No I don't believe that either!
God has promised me a hope and a future...one not to harm me but to make me prosper. I need to be with MEsut....That is a given.... I need to find release from all these emotions which have recently stonewalled me... I was unprepared for these feelings!!!! Totally unprepared!
I am trying to keep myself occupied crochetting scarves and hats for everyone and his brother (here in sunny, tropical, hot Florida --- insanity)....but it keeps me busy and off the streets. AND since there is no one here who truly understands (outside of counseling) I blog. You are my sounding board... my release.
Thank you, even though you probably think I have lost all mental balance or capacity, but thank you for allowing me to vent my feelings without pat answers and platitudes of being strong, being positive and knowing God is in control...... These are my daily mantras anymore.....
My solice is phone calls from Mesut and working with my kids at school (and even that has been modified by an uncaring, unfeeling person, in charge of a school for the first time, and is now power crazed).
In your waking minutes, pray for my friend Margaret, my niece, Heather, and for me (and my life with Mesut, as well). I think I need a vacation.....so everyone can think I am home eating chocolates with my feet propped up as I did during the 5 months I was out of work last year... rather than recovering from 5 surgeries.
I apologize up front for my fears, sorrows and bitterness. This is my life as I know it right now... never a happy medium.