Tomorrow is my birthday....61 yrs on this earth. This year I wasn't sure there would be a 61 because of my "cancer journey". I wasn't sure I would be here to celebrate another year with my family and friends.
If there is anything I have learned, and there are so many things I learned, it is my life is not my own....it belongs to God. His timing is not mine (otherwise I would be with the man I love with all my heart) BUT this timeline (not like the Facebook Timeline---grrrr) has a purpose and place. If I had been in Turkey in Sept, I might not have had a mammogram done at that particular time (and I was already several months late having it done); I would not have been here to support my beautiful niece, Heather, as she went through her own cancer journey. But I learned how much that man I desire to be beside, just how much love he has for me. How concerned he was that I was leaving his life. How much he was tormented not being with me to take care of me and help me through all the office visits, treatments, surgeries.
I found out just how much love my roommate, Barbara has for me, even though she has been deeply hurt with the presence of Mesut in my life. She stood beside me; promised me she would be here and we would get through this episode in my life, together....she is a true friend; my sister.
I learned how many true and honest friends I have in this world. I knew there were people who would put on a show of concern, because it was expected of them...but true friendship goes beyond contributing to buy flowers or send a card. It is picking up the phone and calling and listening to someone tell them step by step what was going on in their life. It was spending hours sitting and watching tv or crochetting, while I slept; or helping change dressings or walking me to the bathroom. It is kazillions a prayers around the world being said for one person - ME- because of a great love!
I learned so much about family and who your family is...biological family and family who are family by choice. Those people who you choose to claim as family because they love unconditionally not for what they can give; family you think you can depend upon but find that some things are just not in their realm of possibilities. Accepting family members who say they will be there but weren't.....and yet knowing, in their heart of hearts, they were lifting me up to God.
Yesterday, my collegues at work, had a happy hour at the country club, in honor of me. I became acutely aware of just how blessed I am to have another year! Another year of being with these very people I have worked with for 28 yrs. These very people who back stab but smile to your face (none of them showed up), but also those people who quietly gave their support in prayer or thoughts; One more year with my children at work. Those very children who wear me down to the bone; tire me out; make me angry with their disobedience, but those children who hug and love without wavering.
AND another year to share with anyone who will listen to me, the Goodness and Mercy of God Almighty. Mesut tells me all the time, "Askim, we have one BIG God! He bring us together. He hold us together! He will heal you. You will not have cancer. We will have many years together...all because of God."
One more year to have my internet long-distance relationships which encourage, admonish, believe in me, love me, and keep me believing there is a world of PEACE out past all the hatred and cultural gaps, traditional boundaries; variations of religions...there is Peace and Love. Thank you all for giving me that HOPE! That Belief!!!
And, one more year to grow and enjoy the blessings I have every day and how I need to dwell more on the blessings than on the "woes and worries" I seem to dwell upon. One more year to Praise my God! To love my family. One more year to spend loving a man 3 continents away with a larger love and confidence than any I have experienced here in my hometown.
Right now, my sisters are both very ill. One is here in FL and very ill with a heart conditon which could instantly kill her! Her husband (not one of my favorites) has no insurance on her because he will not stay at a job long enough to get her insurance coverage. Because of this, she, who has had breast cancer, cannot take the drugs she needs and cannot get the procedures done to her heart that she needs. My other sister is in Pennsylvania and has been in the hospital since April 3. She has MRSA, she has 2 suspicious lymph nodes in her chest which could be TB, she has kidney failure; a blood clot; shortness of breath because her lungs are full of fluid and surrounded by fluid; The drs discovered yesterday that she might have had a serious heart attack or have serious heart damage done; Today as I spoke to her to try to make her laugh and not give up (paying it forward for what she gave to me), she said the drs told her she may have a bowel blockage in addition to all else. She needs surgery but cannot have it because her body is too weak. Yesterday she had to have 2 units of blood.
We just spoke today and both of us were discussing how blessed we truly are.... because health is only one part of our lives....family, grand children, children not related, friends who remain steadfast, and a never failing Heavenly Father who is preparing a place for us in Heaven. Do I want to lose my sisters? NO WAY! Do I want to never be with the man I love? NO..... Is there a chance of both, yes, but there is also HOPE. There is LOVE....there is the PRESENT and in that present, there are gifts of love and life.
We are currently planning a birthday celebration for my father and 85 yrs of being with us. We all know his time on earth is growing shorter....but he is here now. Here for us to love and appreciate all he sacrificed and gave us growing up. What he continues to give from his heart every day. The prayers he says for all of us (including Mesut) every night and falls asleep praying and reading his Bible. This man, who growing up was absent so often, is present now and to be loved and cared for. I am privileged to have another year loving him and appreciating the man he was and is today.
So, on my 61st year on this earth, in an imperfect family, with faulty, failing friendships, long distance relationships that cross cultural boundries, traditions and religions, there is PEACE, LOVE, HOPE, BELIEF....SO MUCH LOVE. My cup overflows! Thank you all for my birthday gift of friendship and love. The packaging, the ribbon and the LOVE are beautiful and have not gone without thanksgiving for each of you!