I am faced with a question I have no idea how to answer for myself or for Mesut.
We will begin seven years of being together (meeting) on line August 15. We have met and spent time together over those 6 full years online daily (not a lot less), on the phone (when we are able), sending things back and forth (when each of us has a postal box), and twice (10 days each time) visited in Turkey, getting to know one another, traveling the country, talking, talking, talking, singing, laughing, playing games, and loving each other.
We both came to the conclusion (though we both knew already) that God has given us a great love. That love has spanned 6 years, 3 continents, innumerable hours online and a lot of prayers and faith in God that He will bring us together when the timing is right.
We have both gone through many changes, physically, spiritually, and emotionally over those years and had more problems than any one man or woman loving each other should have to endure, and still the love grows stronger every day.
He has been manipulated by his family; bribed, coersed, and blackmailed by his family. I have gone from living with a friend to living alone back to living with this friend and re-learning how to be friends and having boundaries. He has gone from job to job due to family pressures; I am in a job where I have 3 full years until retirement, however, my health is suffering (mentally and physically). Though the money I would add if I work the additional 3 years, my question is this: Is it worth having the money to know you can live happily on one (his) salary in another country if it mean another 3 years of heartache, loneliness, and unhappiness by being apart from each other.
This past year has been one of awakening for me when I found out in September that I had breast cancer. My health has been precarious, though cancer-free, since that time. I just had the 5th surgery July 2 because I do not heal well due to diabetes, and the pain is increased due to having fibromyalgia, which is strengthened by stress and unhappiness. Mesut has been wonderful loving me, supporting me, not caring what bodily changes have happened to me because "I love your heart, not your body". But, all of this is taking a toll on our emotions. He feels guilty he cannot be with me and help me as a husband should. He feels helpless and depressed because he knows my pain would be significantly less if we were together.
He has been depressed over the past months because of his family control (hard traditions being Muslim and Turkish) even though he does not hold to all the beliefs and traditions, his family does and they seems to "own" his life. Of course I do not understand all of this being american and christian. we pray together. He believes in Jesus; does not hold to all the hard and fast traditions (divorce, ect) and is in an unloving arranged marriage and they both hate each other but due to the fact they share a son, he is being blackmailed by his family threatening to take his son from him if he divorces (his wife holds the divorce papers SHE asked for and as he puts it, holds them like a gun". I have tried to be supportive, but I am here, I do not live in that situation.
We speak to each other almost daily and I hear his voice sadder and more depressed. He tries to hide it from me but says he has no friends and no family because his family is me and I am in America. My retirement for full pension is in 2015. I can take early retirement when I turn 62 (April) but of course I lose out on 2 years of salary (some of it supplimented with more $$ in the last yr and 1/2). I need to have insurance due to the health issues, but is the money worth it, if your heart is breaking being apart from the one you love.
I have friends and family here. My friends are more acquaintances doing things on happy hours, but no close friends, except my housemate. My family and I are very close but they all know how much I love Mesut. My father, who is 85 is the only one holding me here because I do not want to leave him in his declining years. I can be with family; I can be in the midst of friends and feel totally alone and empty. The love of my life is not with me. He feels lonely and empty, and his morale is very bad right now (especially after my last surgery).
I have written a poem tonight and sent it to Mesut. I have prayed and written it out and sent it to him. I want to encourage him; not have him give up on living, life, and love. I know he hates his job and wants to live apart from his family but fianancially, unless he has another job lined up, he is stuck where he is.
I am in a quandry. My job is changing this year, not to my liking, and my morale about work is also poor; it affects my health and my need to teach my own ELL kids, not co-teach with other teachers.
someone give me insight. Anastasia and Lakis, you know me best. Help me figure this out. I trust you both completely and you know of my love for Mesut and what we have gone through over the past 6 years. I need your thoughts.... and we need your prayers. Thanks.