Since the beginning of this New Year, 2014, many of my thoughts and desires are based upon memories from my past (family and friends, travel) and memories I am making in the present, and hopefully, the future memories which will be made. Of course, memories are both good and bad, but these memories, in particular are ones I have enjoyed and wish, at times, there were ways in which I could relive them. Unfortunately, many of the past memories are of those who have passed on and cannot be played out again.
Perhaps all these nostolgic episodes are because I am watching my father slowly slide away and fade from the man he was when I was a child; or perhaps, they are the result of movies, music, or scents from times past. Whatever the reasons, I am sincerely glad to be remembering them and smiling outwardly and in my heart.
Many of the past memories are about people in my past I have enjoyed and loved. My mother's parents come to mind immediately. Every once in a while, I catch the subtle scent of my grandmother's cologne. She loved lavendar and had it in her home, but she wore a perfume called White Flowers. One day quite a while ago, I was using a public bathroom and someone walked in, and I was certain it was grandma. The scent of her, her hugs, her smiles wafted into my mind and I missed her terribly. She was my greatest support system. When my mom told me I could not accomplish a goal or dream I wanted, Grandma always told me I could be whoever I wanted to be and do whatever it took to accomplish the goals.
Grandpa (Pop-Pop) always reminded me of Popeye. He had large lower arms, was skinny (grandma was not), he was wiry and always ready with his temper to fight verbally. Now when I play the game, Battleship, I remember my poppop. He and I used to play it before there was a board game, video game, or computerized game. We had graph paper and labeled the sides with letters and numbers. We marked our ships in the "ocean" and tried our best to sink the Nazi's. We laughed a lot and we danced. Victory at Sea was a musical program with music from the Big Band Era and it played many compositions written during WWI and WWII. Mitch Miller would come on the black and white TV and we would "follow the bouncing ball" and "sing along with Mitch". Our heredity is German and poppop loved to do the Polka. He would put LP records on the record player and I would stand on his feet and around the room we would go, dancing and giggling and having the best time. I miss my grandparents.
Recently 2 friends, both younger and both sisters, died (2 yrs apart). When I was growing up from age 5, my family and their family were very close. My mom always said their mom was her sister she never had. Their deaths stirred memories of road trips across America to visit them, (an Air Force family who was always being "sent" to another location). We traveled to Pike's Peak in Colorado; to Oklahoma; to Alabama and so many other locations. We would "pick up" where we "left off" when vacations ended, running, laughing, playing vampires or cowboys and indians. They were a family of 8 and we were a family of 5 at the time and we all squeezed into their mobile home; doubled (and tripled) up on the beds oir floor and giggled into the nights until our parents threatened to spank us. Their father has since passed away, and now the oldest girl and a middle girl are gone. Their mom is still living, but like my dad, she is fading, and losing her children is taking a toll. Both sides of the family have vowed to 'get together' again, becauses the deaths are coming much too quickly.
I have also had memories stirred of my kids at school and the things we did which many remind me of even today. The one boy who sat crossed legged in first grade and smiled sweetly at me with almost literal hearts floating out of his eyes, as he told me, Ms Barndt, since you do not have kids to take care of you when you are old, like you are taking care of your daddy, I WILL TAKE CARE OF YOU!!! He is now 25 with 2 small boys of his own. He calls me mom and visits me. He gets angry if I do not tell him when I am ill. He texts messages me just to say, I love you mom. He has parents; he has family; but, he has told me, You are more of a mother to me than my own mom. He melts my heart.
Since retirement in June of 2013, I have felt the emptiness of no children in my life as it had been for 28 1/2 years before. I told my sister in law of missing my kids and she said I should go to her home on Wednesdays and do crafts and read to the 3 "greats" (1 niece, and 2 nephews, 11, 5, 4). Since August, I have been going every Wednesday making crafts, eating lunches, having tea parties, playing hair dresser; reading books and being to a "restaurant" manned my these sweet children who served me salad with dirt dressing and a cup full of dirt tea. They played music for me using a garden trowel and glass ashtray. And my heart is full of love. In years past, I have been too busy to spend quality time, other than holidays and birthdays, with my nieces/nephews now grown with their own kids, but I have been given the gift of getting to know my great nieces/nephews and I love them dearly.
In the past 8 yrs, I have met and fallen in love with a Turkish man. I never thought it would be possible to meet anyone and had resigned myself to being the "Old Maid Aunt" everyone felt sorry for. But fall in love I did, online!!! 2 yrs after meeting, I traveled to Turkey to see if we really did feel what we felt talking and laughing online.....and we did. We traveled to Istanbul, Ankara, Cappadocia, and Abant. Many memories were made and these memories kept me going and loving, until I was able to see him again the following Christmas. We again traveled. We returned to Abant and stayed in a 5 star hotel. It snowed for 3 days straight. We rode around a lake 8 miles in an enclosed buggy, led by a horse. It was freezing, and I loved it. We played with 2 St. Bernards. We had snowball fights and thawed out in front of a roaring fire, drinking tea and listening to folk music performed live. We went to Edirna and tried to go to Greece but the boarder guards were off for the holidays. The climax of the 2 wks was bringing in the New Year between Haggai Sofia and the Blue Mosque with the fog horns blowing from the ships and the fireworks exploding. I think I cried the entire 23 hour plane trip home. It has now been 5 yrs and 1 month since I've been with him. We used to meet online, but he has not internet in his home. We speak to each other maybe 5-10 min every day. It is so hard to be apart but the love grows stronger. We pray together that God will give us a chance to be together.
We thought we would be together sooner, but I had breast cancer which put me down for about 2 yrs. Now that my health is better, my dad has gone blind. I am now his taxi, cook, and bookkeeper. I cannot leave him now when he needs me. It is true I have 4 other siblings but the 2 girls are both handicapped and live hundreds of miles away; my one brother just moved to a different state; and my other brother is busy taking care of his family, and grandkids and he is not retired yet.....so because I am retired, single without children, the responsibility falls upon me. I only mind when dad becomes hateful, angry and incorrigible. Mesut says "father comes first and God will tell us when it is right to be together". I believe that but it does not make the aching in my heart any less.
We are now planning a 15 day visit at the end of Feb and beginning of March and new wonderful memories will be made. I pray the money is there, the plane fares are low, and dad's health continues where he is able to live alone and get around via a bus and family. I long to be with Mesut again.
So with all this said, I pray each of you has a "scrapbook" of memories to which you can refer from time to time and remember the simpler times; happier, healthier times; and that the future memories are just as wonderful. Let us not forget, however, to make wonderful memories now, in the present....after all, the present is a GIFT from GOD. Savor the love and happiness!! Happy New Year!!