Last week I wrote about when my nephew died 12 yrs ago. Writing that blog made me realize many things. It is my understanding that when we are faced with a realization about ourselves, it then requires action... or you ignore it.
For many years, I have held within me secrets which I was asked to keep for a number of reasons. It was hurtful to me in many ways and truly, it did not accomplish the desired results of the one asking me to keep this secret.
Almost 40 yrs ago, I was a young woman, a new nurse, and first time apartment renter. Freedom. I was also a "new Christian", which is to say that even though I was raised a Mennonite and in the church, I did not realize what it meant to be a Christian. I had been living for myself and my own desires, and not of what I believe God wanted for me. I was struggling with many things but a good description of how I was acting was "on again; off again".
I had been having sex with my boyfriend for about a year. We were planning to be married but I was "on again and off again" with him now about having sex. I never had a problem saying NO to drugs and alcohol but I did struggle with why it was wrong for me to feel so good when I was with him and feel so guilty when I was in church, teaching Sunday School and singing in the choir. So many times when he wanted to be intimate, I turned him down, as I struggled to find myself.
HOWEVER, I was also seeing someone else, who was married. I was not an innocent flower in this story but I justified it with the fact that he too went to the church so if it was right for him, then why should it be wrong for me. Cutting to the chase.... I got pregnant but within a month or so, I lost the baby.
Someone very close to me (a relative) did not have the same struggles about sex, or alcohol or drugs... my sister. She slept with my boyfriend when I refused him. I did not know this until my mother came to my house with my boyfriend and a letter he had written (which she had intercepted and read) telling me he was sorry but he had been unfaithful to me. I was sad but truly, not surprised. I was surprised when I found out he was with my sister. My mom put him on a bus to his homestate and told him never to enter Florida again. I never saw him again until 18 yrs later, when my niece was born.
He was never told he was the father (though he kept in contact with my sister during her pregnancy) and I was sworn to secrecy the minute my niece was born. He was NEVER to know he was the father. My parents knew but not his parents or him. I did call him to tell him the baby girl was born but that was the last I spoke to him. The last correspondence with our family....
My mother had not been kind to my sister for years (due to her rebellion as a teen and now as a pregnant single teen ). I felt it was my duty to protect and defend my sister. She was getting no support from my mom...someone had to stand for her.
I kept that secret for 18 yrs. My niece was then living with me due to problems with her mom and her step-father. She moved in with me during her senior year of High School, bringing her boyfriend with her. They lived with me until their graduation. My niece asked me who her father was but I told her it was not up to me to tell her that but if her mom had not told her by the time she was 18, then I would, and I would arrange a meeting. Her mom did tell her finally and I arranged the meeting. She and her dad hit it off immediately!!!! It was so good to see them together for the first time. I was also seeing him for the first time in 18 yrs. We spoke and forgave each other and are still friends today He is married with kids of his own.
During these 18 yrs, my sister married a man not many people in the family approved of. I never met him until the summer after they were married because I was at college. My niece wanted to call him daddy but he refused and told her to call him by his first name. BUT when she was about 8 yrs ol age, her baby brother was born and a few laters, her sister. They all called their dad "daddy" and now he demanded she do the same thing. She refused. It caused a lot of dissention in the family.
During the next years, their family moved to a different state; I graduated from college and moved back home to find work, and life went on. I would visit them frequently until one time when my sister's husband touched me inappropriately. I stayed away for a long time. If I did go up to see them, I veered away from him. I never told my sister. He was verbally abusive to my niece and I was VERY protective of her because I believed she was the "daughter" that her dad and I should have shared. She and I have ALWAYS been close and shared a special bond! In the past several years, my brother in law's roaming hands have touched me 3 tmes total. I avoid him at all costs because of this.
My sister and her husband were hippies from the music they listened to, the clothes they wore, the life they led, and the pot they grew and sold and consumed. I was terrified their kids would be taken from them if they were ever arrested for growing and selling, but thankfully, that never happened.
12 yrs ago, their 19 yr old son, after a few years of drugging and drinking and robbing his neighbors, took his mother's gun and shot himself in the head, ending his short life.... a life wasted. Prior to this, his father handed him money constantly for "car repairs" and his parents thought it was hysterical when they found homemade drug paraphernalia in his bedroom.... now he was dead.
My sister and her husband have always been drinkers and "tokers" but when their son died, they both turned their grief into alcoholic denial. Denial for never giving him responsibility, denial of their part in his life, and denial of their part in his death. They were very careful to blame everyone else.... me for picking on my sister growing up; my mom for mistreating her so much; my boyfriend for "never acknowledging" he was her daughter's father and helping to support her; and never telling their kids about God. My sister was brought up in the same environment,same churches as me; went through baptism, joining the church, etc as me and my brothers, but now that she married her husband (an atheist) she now turned her back on God, because it was HIS fault for everything bad in her life...especially her son's death.
She told relatives in another state that the only way she could be with her immediate family was to take drugs and drink. She said she would never live closer than 250 miles because she didn't want the family just dropping in on them. She was "happy" with her husband and her two daughters and the memory of her son.
Recently she asked me to keep another secret but this time to keep it from my father. Her husband had been laid off again from the same job he kept going back to (without benefits, insurance etc) because no other place would pay him what he was worth. My sister has had cancer but she cannot go to the dr; have tests or get the meds she needs because he "had to work" at the place without insurance for him family. She did not want my dad to know. My dad is very persistent and kept asking over and over why she would not talk about her husband's job and he was sure he had been fired.
Long story, longer - I finally told my dad because she would not tell him and to keep him from believing he had been fired. Plus, he now had a new job. My sister went nuts on me for telling him, because he had immediately called to tell her he knew and had learned of it "through the grapevine". My sister wrote some scathing texts to me and since then, we have not spoken or texted.
My point to this missive is that I truly thought and believed I had forgiven my sister for sleeping with my boyfriend (s) (She slept with another one soon afterwards). I believed she needed protecting from my mom's wrath and judgment. I believed she needed me to "be here" for her, lending them money when needed; keeping her secrets of sex, drugs, and lies. What I realized was that apparently my "forgiveness" had really been just shoving things to the back of my brain and pretending they did not exist.
The death of my nephew and the events which follkowed (listedin the last blog) and remembering all this on the anniversary of his death made me realize I had not really forgiven her. I wanted to...., I truly wanted to because I love my sister. What I also realized is that I do not like my sister and her husband.
I have realized I need to forgive my sister and her husband, but also, though I love my sister, I don't have to like her or her husband. I don't have to be around them if I do not choose to be.
My question is this,,,,, How do you forgive? How do you truly and completely let go of the secrets, the lies, the anger, the hurt, and the grief? It is easy to SAY "I forgive" but still hold these things in your heart... but how do you truly let go and love without reserve?
I know I am to live as Jesus lived... I am not sinless... anything but...but I strive for that life. I know and believe He died for my sins so God could forgive me...without ever looking ON my sins because of Jesus' death and resurrection. But how does a mere human really do it... and forget is as far as the east is from the west??? I have asked for forgiveness of God....how do I forget? How do I totally "let go"?
**Sorry this is so long, but it had to be explained......