As most of you who read my blogs know that the past 2 yrs have been difficult. I have gone through breast cancer, a double mastectomy with 4 other reconstruction surgeries. I was out of work 5 months but I endured returning to work last April, and very glad of it.
October of this year, I had to return for my regular yearly check up (now every 6 months) and had a month of struggles while the mammograms and ultrasounds should "abnormal" growths which had to be "looked at closely" to be sure the cancer had not returned. After a full month of crying, anger, fear, and finally elation, I was told I was 1 year cancer free. My roommate threw a small party for me with my friends.
I also returned to work in August an angry woman, and not understanding why. I decided I would go to counseling for breast cancer survivors and found out there are many reasons to feel anger, guilt, sorrow, grief, happiness, sadness, etc and they are all perfectly normal.
BUT I also made a decision that I would retire at the end of this school year, since teaching is no longer the joyful experience I loved. It is now assessments, assessing the assessments, teaching the assessments so the kids are able to pass the one Almighty test of each year, the FCAT. We were unable to teach so it was discovery or fun. Everything was geared on numbers; assessments; and not on what we could actually teach the kids about the love of learning and life. I cannot or rather, I refuse to teach this way. I have taught 29 yrs and have loved most of those years (with few exceptions due to administators or people who have not been in a classroom since their own school days experiences. Politicians making rules for education based upon money. We are no long a non profit organization, we are a money making organization based upon how many assessments to which we are able to subject our children.
This year has been particularly difficult for me due to many illnesses. All the previous surgeries and the cancer drained my body of its ability to fight off infections. Since Christmas, I have been constantly ill with one form or another of flu or upper respiratory infections. The latest one being 2 wks ago... with bronchial asthma (which I am still wheezing about).
Two weeks ago also, I had to have my 6 month mammogram and ultrasound done. I entered the labs confidently and within 5 days, my confidence was shot. I got a call that the dr had found something "very concerning" in my left breast and I needed to go into her office two days later for a biopsy. Thursday morning I went into her office and she did a surgical suction biopsy. I was to wait until this coming Wednesday. Waiting is NOT one of my virtues.... so of course there was fear, trepidation as well as some whining with intermittent trust in God.
Today also began FCAT...the Almighty yearly Asssessment in which you either pass with a certain grade, or if you a third grade student who does not pass with that grade, you are retained in 3rd grade another year. Here is how last night and this morning went for me.
'"For I know the Plans I have for you,"
declares the Lord. plans to prosper you and not to harm you; plans to
give you a hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and
pray to me and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when
you seek me with all your heart and I will be found by you, declares the
Lord,. Jeremiah 29: 11-14.
Last night as I was trying to go to sleep, but
kept wondering what was awaiting me at the drs' office on Wednesday,
God brought these verses to my mind. For a long time I used to just
quote the first part about a future and a hope.... I would leave off "when you call on me with all your heart..... Last night I decided to
pray this prayer and call upon the name of the Lord. I didn't cry out
for anything specific (healing, no cancer)...but I did claim the promise
of a future in Jesus and a hope (because of His resurrection) and plans
not to harm me (spiritually) but to prosper me (not necessarily
monetarily). I cried out to God in my fears (knowing that God does not
cause fear but only satan does that in order to take our focus off God).
I prayed that no matter what the plans for the future were for my
life, I knew I would prosper in the Lord, He would not harm me and He
would give me a hope in Him. I cried out to God and gave Him my fears
and apprehensions (fully knowing I am human and will experience these
feelings and emotions) but also totally assured that when I needed God's
mercy, comfort and grace, they would be available to me and no matter
what the future, I would go through it with the love and support of my
family and friends but in the Palm of God's Hand.
Today (after
not sleeping all night because I was "giving the FCAT all night long), I
woke up without fear (yes concern, but not overwhelming fear). I went
to school. We had to turn off our phones and computers. When the kids
went to lunch, I turned my phone on. There was a message from Dr.
LaClaustra's office. Her nurse said, Faith call me as soon as you can.
I have good news". I called her and you could practically hear the
rejoicing in her voice as she shouted, "THERE WAS NO CANCER SEEN IN THE
BIOPSY!!!!!" All I could do was shout thank you, Jesus!!!!!
My"son", David (former student from 1st and 2nd grade) asked me last
night if he could go with me to the dr on Wed. He loves me so much and
wanted to be "with his mom" when I received whatever the news was. How
sweet!!!!! Now, after the appt, we will go celebrate!!!!! He is a
Christian and I am a blessed woman. No kids of my own, but kids who are"mine" nonetheless and who love me as much as a biological child.
I have a plan for your life, declares the Lord; One to give you a
future and a hope, not to harm you but to prosper you!!! I am blessed
by Almighty God!!!!!!